Hold on that thought, I haven’t murdered anyone or perhaps I did, and my mind just slipped it by? Imagine waking up to a dead person your alter ego had killed. A giant dead body lays there by my door step. How can I? Where can I hide it? I have been murdering people for close to three years now. Body count stands at 26. You’d wonder how I haven’t been caught!
The first rule of murder is that you have to realise that no one really matters. The second rule is that an innocent being does not exist.
The body outside, oh yes, that is my former neighbour Mark. Mark’s been noisy with his moan lowing lately, so he had to go. A taste of death that reeks of hate or revenge finds no place here. Rule number three is about how murder has no place for feelings. You just let your dark passenger take over and then Bang right in the head of some non-suspecting victim. Perhaps I shouldn’t use the word victim here. As for there’s no victims and villains in my line of work should I say. Only the killers and the killed, the hunter and the hunted.
My former neighbour Mark was indeed a bad neighbour. From the time he’d wake up early to start the engine of the car to leave it ti’ll it gets hit, to the time he’d bore my ass about inviting me to his sister’s wedding. Those were times where he squandered +points with me. A Minus mark Mark, and you’re DEAD and buried. Which brings us to rule number four, you simply do not waste another person’s time with wedding invites.
Aren’t you wondering what do I do with the bodies? I eat them. But first let me take you in on a small step by step guide on what do you need to commit murder. First you need a safe house, and a car. Second, you need the murder equipment: A saw, tape, a ladder to hang the body with, plastic and loads of plastic as a matter of caution and neatness. The plastic goes everywhere, you cover every inch and square of the house so that single drops of blood will not screw over how beautiful your sofa looks. Add to that, kitchen set of knives, oh yes, those stainless steel ones that pierce through human flesh like a knife would to butter. We’re looking for effortless work. Rule number five, always be tidy and well prepared. Preparation is half the work. A good set of equipment is the other half. As for murder, It gets easier each time you do it.
Mark’s body, what to do with it now? I hear my dogs love some good old human meat. They wouldn’t know the difference. But, first let get the body inside. To which it is now inside and it hangs by the ladder on my basement. It hangs upside down like a metal head Jesus. Oh, where’s Jesus now? I say to Mark, remember Mark, when you used to turn up gospel music and shove it down my ears. Where’s Jesus to save you now? Anyway, now, you take a knife and cut through right in the stomach and you let intestines out. The aim is to never throw anything away. I like how Muslims treat lambs during Eid Al Adha, they leave nothing ad they throw nothing away. Even the skin is used a cover sheet later. So, yes, those intestines will be used to make sausages.
Then, you let the body drain out of blood for a couple hours, during that time, I recommend cooking beans and Tagliatele Pasta. Human meat goes well with Pasta and beans. And no, it doesn’t taste like chicken like the legend says, it tastes even better. Once the blood got drained, now’s time for the saw, you cut through the middle all the way down. You split the body in half. For this you need a premium electric saw. The rest is easy.
Rule number six of committing murder is that you always have to leave no trace of the body, including bones. How so? Welll let introduce you to intro jell and acid. For a price of 4.99 at walmart, what a deal. Once the bones are in a barrel, the acid does the rest, so you can rest easy. In two weeks, traces of Mark will be no longer. Perhaps, Mark finally took the chance to go to Africa to spread the words of Jesus Christ. When in fact, he was butchered upside down.
Thank you for listening. And keep in tune for more Julian G: the Serial Killer stories